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 Video Game Villains
Who has not, a hundred times, found himself committing a vile or stupid action, for no other reason than because he knows he should not?—Edgar Allan Poe.

Adversaries, arch nemesis', scoundrels, evil-doers, villains.

No matter what you call them, a hero is only as good as his villain right? Love 'em or hate 'em, there's no denying the fact that villains are awesome!

Admit it, even though we all want to see the good guy win in the end, everyone is secretly rooting for the bad guy. There's just something so appealing about a great villain. There's something admirable about a guy who has the guts to just do what he wants with no regard for authority. Don't we all secretly want to copy that kind of boldness every once in awhile? Heck, some of the most memorable characters around were baddies. Darth Vader, The Joker-the list goes on and on. Yeah, I know these are villains are from movies and not videogame, but just roll with it okay.

Unfortunately, some villains are just downright pathetic at the whole "being a force of evil" them lovable losers if you will.

What is it with video game villains and failure? I don't know but I thought it was high time someone called out these loveable losers and exposed their faults. Whether it's incompetence, just poor planning or plain bad luck, the following video game villains just aren't very good at being bad.

Let's meet the faces of evil, shall we? Top Ten lists are tough, so here's the top 5...or bottom 5... ahh, just enjoy:


How many Mario games have there been? Like1,200? Okay, so I'm exaggerating just a bit, but you get the idea, right? Bowser has been the bad guy in all of these games but do you know how many times he's gotten over on Mario? Approximately none! And I have no idea why. He has a huge empire, he has castles up the wahoo, he reigns over an endless army of toadies, but somehow he can't seem get his act together and take down some little plumber dude!


When they were developing Mario Tennis, Wario needed a doubles partner. So they chose between two options: either dig into the Mario archives and bring back another classic villain like they did with Birdo and Shy Guy, or just slap "Wa" in front of "Luigi' and create the biggest piece of crap character of all time. Sadly, they chose the second one and the mess known as Waluigi was born. It also doesn't help that he was first introduced to the public in a darn tennis game! And besides, if this is the first time we've ever seen him, how do we know he's evil?

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Donkey Kong

Okay, I know he's just an overgrown gorilla and all, but DK couldn't have messed up the whole "villainy" thing any worse if he tried!

"Hey DK, you're a big, hairy beast from the jungle, stop rolling barrels at Mario and just stomp on his head. Swing down there, grab him by the collar and squeeze him like a ketchup bottle, why don't ya!

SideNote: Did you know, Donkey Kong started off being the pet of a carpenter named Jumpman? A carpenter who was later renamed Mario and made a plumber! That's right kiddies, not only did Donkey Kong turn on his master but Mario started off as a totally different character all together! Amazing!

Shadow the Hedgehog

More like mopey, Emo Sonic than villain if you ask me. Yawn.

Dr. Robotnik (Eggman)

Now I know being the villain with an IQ of 3000 and a freaking hedgehog who keeps outsmarting you, must be hard...real hard. But what's the deal with Dr. Robotnik/Dr. Eggman (or whatever you prefer to call him) anyway? Anyone have any idea why every evil genius builds robots in their spare time? From what I understand, he doesn't want to take over the world or anything, he just wants to steal cute, furry animals. Cute furry animals? Wow. Oh, and another thing his obsession with Chaos Emeralds is kinda creepy, don't you think?

Well, there you have it. That was fun! Hey, thanks for bearing with me- I just like lists. It's one of my vices, if you would call it that, to make "top ten" (or top eight, or six… whatever I can I come up with) lists of things.

Now here's where I have decided to do something a little different- I have decided to include another list within the list! Call it a bonus pack. Ah, don't thank me, just enjoy.

Villain Cliches

1.) The evil laugh (I mean really, why can't it be the evil yodel for a change?)

2.) Revealing their evil plan right away. I mean really, we just met.

3.) Common catchphrase: "Brew-haha, you shall never defeat me!"

4.) They all have some huge evil lairs. I mean they must have some great realtors.Spaces like that don't come cheap either.

5.) Having all the "lastest and greatest" inventions of mass destruction.

6.) All that black.

7.) Stupid minions with some sort of physical deformaty and funny accent.

8.) They like to kidnap the hero's girlfriend ( Donkey Kong.)

9.) The villain having finally gotten the good guy into his clutches, will usually spend a few long minutes gloating over his victory. Some more "Brew-haha's" will be thrown in for good measure.

But one common trait that they all share is that these villains have determination and perseverance. Almost all of them never give up in their efforts to take down the good guy. Keep trying guys!

Posted by oxyjen on Apr 6, 2008


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